The Diary Then

So I found myself in Eastern Europe working on an action film.
I was behind the scenes, and sometimes in them, watching closely and trying not to knock over any birdcages. Our Star had made his name on this type of all-action, fighting show. He used to have a pony-tail. These days, there is just a sort of smoothed-out ridge, resembling a vivisected duck glued to the back of his head. And after make-up, his face now looks like a crumbling Mayan temple. But I think he is happy, and he was an excellent ringmaster for my account, all of which is true.


Day 1


“Get him to come and tell us the history of crippled Barbers with Kanji!”

It’s two o’clock and we haven’t filmed anything. There was mass confusion over the fight scene we were supposed to shoot. The actor who plays the Barber apparently is not a martial artist, and even if he was, no one seems to know what his set piece with the star should look like. In the script the scene is described as follows:

“THE BARBER IS A MASTER. VIDEO GAME STYLE FIGHT. THE BARBER BEING AN ELUSIVE TARGET FLIPPING AND SOMMERSAULTING AROUND THE ROOM.”

Speaking to our Barber before the scene, I find he’s a very nice bloke from Liverpool. He doesn’t do action scenes, although he has played in a band for many years. On the “video-game” Matrix-beating sequence they have lined up for him, he said:

“I am 56, if they want me to hit him over the head with a guitar, then that’s fine!”

His stunt double doesn’t look anything like him. Add to that, the star is not well so we don’t know if he will come out of his trailer. Add further to that, our Director came up with a brand new concept for the scene the night before. His idea is that one of the Chinese fighters smashes a mirror, and in the next shot, he has morphed into a completely different character (for no apparent reason).
The Director then said:

“Maybe, I’m losing my mind, I don’t know.”

So on the day of the shoot, we have a Chinese fight co-ordinator who doesn’t speak English. Our American stunt co-ordinator, who karate chops and hugs everyone. The star who speaks a form of English. And the Director in his black leather gloves. All of them have different ideas for the choreography of the sequence. Eventually the star comes up with how he wants to shoot it. This prompts an urgent meeting of the Producers in the main office.

Meanwhile, our 15 Chinese extras, who were on stand-by the day before and unused, are sitting around eating sandwiches and dreaming they were on a Jacky Chan movie. At that moment I also would give anything to be working on Rush Hour III. If this guy made Rush Hour, if would have to be called “24”.

Eventually, they decide the change the scene, and bring in an assistant Barber, who will take care of the acrobatic, chopping and flying. They wonder whether to make the original character a cripple, to explain why he can’t fight like a “Master” any more. There is some debate on whether the star’s character should kill the original Barber:

“So he breaks the neck of the Crippled Barber, that’s going be good for publicity.”

We spent the next two days filming the karate in the shop, without the star who has flu. We shoot with his stunt double (local), and a Chinese fighter with a pointy, Mr Miyagi-style, beard, and a very expressive face.

He is also very good at being flung at walls with wires attached to his groin. Which is handy because this is what does for most of his 12 hour day. I make the suggestion that a price list should be clearly visible on the wall of the Barber- shop, something like:

SHORT BACK AND SIDES $10

BLOW DRY AND SHAMPOO $25

EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE $150

They don’t laugh. Perhaps I will get fired.

Note to self: learn some Bulgarian instead of saying “Very gud, Very gud” in a Russian/Pakistani accent all the time.